Here’s a peek at the first two chapters of She Made It Matter.
One woman’s fight to regain sobriety, find salvation, and earn forgiveness after years of guilt from being abandoned by her mother and then losing her brother to cancer, a struggle to vanquish the demons of her past and make her life right again.
To go back to the main synopsis page, click here.
For a storytime reading of the first chapter, click here for the video.
Biblical themes covered in the novel. References: Colossians 3 13 Proverbs 10: 12 Genesis 37: 3-4
Chapter 1
April, 2000. Chicago, IL.
Joshua Lenger rolled his head on the pillow and glanced at his younger sister, Amanda, sitting on a chair across from his bed. He studied her, marveling at how his once scrawny, freckled-nosed thin-lipped sibling had blossomed into a beautiful young woman.
With laboring breath Josh whispered, “I have to tell you something.”
Amanda stopped her nervous foot-tapping and leaned closer to him. “Don’t talk, just rest.”
“I—I need to tell you something. Whatever you do in life, make it right; make it matter. I mean it. Everything. Make it all matter.”
Joshua stiffened as thundering bolts of pain shot through his body. Here it comes. Wide-eyed, he tried focusing on the slow-rotating ceiling fan and then exhaled.
***
Above the bedframe, a flat green line ran across the screen as an uninterrupted beeping sounded. Joshua’s breathing ceased; his body deflating like a laundered sheet flowing over a mattress.
The beeping halted. He’s gone. She caressed his yellowed face, destroyed from the chemo during the last nine months. All of Josh’s silky, charcoal-colored hair had fallen out. At twenty-eight, four years her senior, he resembled an old man, crinkled by the weight of life’s burdens and a debilitating illness. Moving her fingers, she grazed her beloved brother’s swollen purple lips; they still feel warm.
There was scratching at the windowsill. Amanda noticed a young robin struggling to grab the ledge. After a couple of failed attempts, it flew away, perhaps taking Josh’s soul along for the ride.
A year of suffering big brother. You can rest, it’s over.
Two nurses rushed into the room. Amanda stepped out of their way. With a numbing realization of what had just transpired, she collected her jacket and purse and headed out the door.
Pausing mid-step, Amanda turned. “6:43. Time of death was 6:43 p.m.”
Chapter 2
Gripping the steering wheel a little longer than necessary, Amanda checked her reflection in the rearview mirror. Her stringy ponytail was listless, dull, and in need of a wash. Peeling a mint from its wrapper, she popped it in her mouth to conceal a vinegar–tasting breath overpowering her senses.
She grabbed her green duffel bag, a bottle of soda, and opened the door, leaving the keys in the ignition. Abandoning the rusted, 1989 burgundy-colored Cutlass Supreme wasn’t something Amanda had planned to do, but the plates were long expired, the muffler dangled thanks to a coat hanger, and the heater and radio hadn’t worked in several months. Thieves would strip it, or it would be towed. Either way, she was done with it.
Hoisting the bag over her shoulders, Amanda began walking four blocks west on Adams Street toward Union Station. It was Wednesday night, close to eight-thirty and the stars were out gleaming brightly above the buildings. Most of the shops in the financial district of downtown Chicago were closed with the exception of a few restaurants.
Amanda’s stomach rumbled as she passed a diner; the smell of grilled meat and onions permeated the air. Moving on, she hiked over a bridge above the Chicago River. The wind slapped at her face, disheveling her hair. She lifted the collar of her fleece jacket. It was April, but the temperature felt more like a thirty-degree February in the Windy City.
Slipping through the automated doors of the train station, Amanda took the escalator to the lower-level, coffee and popcorn teased her nostrils. She passed a bar noticing drunken investors and techies swapping the day’s conquests and discussing the latest online tools. They stopped talking, watching as her thin frame bustled by.
Behind the glass of the Amtrak ticket counter, an elderly black agent read the evening paper.
She approached the counter. “Hi. When is the next train to Mount Pleasant, Iowa?”
The Amtrak agent pressed some keys. “Tomorrow at two.”
Amanda had no place to stay. She didn’t have any girlfriends, only loser ex-boyfriends. Her apartment lease had expired and she never renewed it, so the landlord kicked her out. She had no job, losing it while staying with her brother at the hospital. And now no car, ditching it thinking she’d be able to take an Amtrak to Iowa within the hour.
I’m so stupid. What the hell am I supposed to do for the rest of the evening?
The agent peered over her glasses. “What will it be? I don’t have all night. We close at nine-thirty.”
Amanda cursed. “Sorry. Make it a one-way ticket, please.” I’ll worry about a place to stay when I get there.
“That’ll be thirty-eight dollars.”
She gave the woman the exact amount and grabbed the ticket from the window slot. “Thanks.”
Putting the ticket in her duffel bag, Amanda made a quick stop at a restroom and took the escalator up to Adams Street. She didn’t want to stay in the station at the moment. The doors locked at eleven. Later, she’d try and sneak in past security to lay low in a corner somewhere.
There weren’t many options to choose unless she got a hotel in the city. Forget that! Amanda needed the three hundred and fifty dollars she had to last until she made it to her destination. She’d promised Joshua she’d go to Iowa and settle things with their mother.
The wind cut at Amanda’s face. I could go back to the car? Sleep in it for the night? She spotted an inexpensive eatery she’d been to once before, east of Wacker Drive, on the left side of the street. Nah. The car may already be gone. Besides, I’m starving. She hadn’t eaten anything since the night before when Joshua’s condition had changed for the worst.
Inside Louie’s Pub and Grub, an older woman with lavender-colored hair approached her, smacking her lips and popping bubbles. “Table for one, girly?”
Amanda surveyed the noisy dining area. The place was dark with a gray haze in the air. There were several tables occupied. She gazed over at the bar; a few patrons were watching a reality show on a flat screen.
“Can I eat at the bar?” I really shouldn’t because bars get me in trouble but I don’t want to sit at a table by myself, either. To hell with it!
“Whatever you want, darling,” the lady remarked as she headed to the bar area. The woman’s musk scented perfume trailing behind.
Hopping on a wobbly stool at the corner of the bar, Amanda placed her duffel bag on an empty stool next to her, besides a man dressed in business attire.
The bartender strolled over to her. He was good-looking; athletic with blondish hair and a thinly-groomed goatee. “Hi, what can I get for you?”
Amanda removed her jacket noticing a hand-written sign on the wall displaying the evening’s beer specials. “I’ll have a Miller Light and a menu, please.”
“You got it.”
The businessman grinned; she caught him staring at her. His shaven head glistened under dangling, pear-colored light bulbs. He cradled a mixed drink in his hand, the one with a shiny wedding band on his finger. “You don’t like Bud Light?”
“Excuse me?”
“You asked for a Miller Light.”
The man was nice-looking; had green eyes, was in his early forties, maybe. He wore a dark-blue suit that was nicely fitted.
Amanda shrugged. “It doesn’t matter to me.”
He scooched closer, “Doesn’t matter, eh? People argue about beer and to you, it doesn’t matter.”
“I’m not a connoisseur. I just wanted something cold.”
“Okay, I’ll let you slide this time.”
Menu in hand, she forced her attention to the list of options as the liquor bottles on the shelves teased her. She decided on a chicken salad wrap with potato chips.
Amanda drained her beer. The nine-thirty news was on. Less than three hours ago. She stared at the commercials, anything to distract herself from thinking of her brother.
The man in the suit held out his hand to her. “I’m Gregg, by the way.”
“Amanda.”
“Nice to meet you. Are you from around here?”
Amanda picked at the label on her bottle, contemplating whether to tell this man that she’d lived in Chicago for the past ten years and was on her way out of town. She hesitated. “Oh, um, passing through. I leave tomorrow afternoon. You?”
“Here on business, from Seattle.”
“Nice, do you like Chicago so far?”
“I do, but it’s a little lonely when you’re here on business.”
The bartender stopped by. “You want another beer? Your food should be ready shortly.”
“Yes, I mean no. Say, how much for a shot of whiskey?”
“$5.00.”
“Oh.” Damn, I could have two shots at Davey’s for the price of one.
“Here let me, Chris,” Gregg waved a twenty at the bartender. “You can refill mine so the pretty lady won’t have to drink alone.”
“That’s awfully nice of you. Gee, thanks.”
“My pleasure. May I join you?” Gregg pointed to the stool next to her.
“Okay.” I could use a stronger cocktail and a bit of friendly conversation after all this crap. Moving the duffel bag between them, she dropped it to the floor on the other side, and Gregg slid over.
When their drinks arrived, he offered up a toast. “To company.”
“Right, to company.” Here’s to you, big brother.
When her food came, Amanda picked at it while they chatted about sports, weather and his business. He even mentioned his children, six-year-old twin boys.
“I hate being away from them,” he admitted, sharing wallet-sized photos of two bright-eyed, blond-haired grinning boys dressed in fancy black suits.
“They’re cute,” she replied, putting a chip in her mouth.
“Thank you. Unfortunately, their mom doesn’t let me see them that often. I travel a lot and we’ve been separated for four months. Getting ready for a divorce.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Amanda shook her head.
“It happens. Are you married? Have kids?”
“No, none of the above.”
“Real nice,” the man beamed, revealing straight white teeth. “You’re very pretty.”
Amanda blushed; feeling the heat of the whiskey. “You are very kind, Gregg.”
The bartender came and took Amanda’s plate. Looking at her watch, she realized it was ten-thirty. She signaled for the check. I got to get to the station before it closes and before I order anymore drinks.
You’re leaving so soon?” Gregg leaned closer to her. She caught a whiff of bourbon on his breath.
“Um, yes,” she fumbled through her wallet.
He tapped her arm. “Would you like to hang out with me tonight?”
Amanda was startled by his forwardness. He’s nice but I don’t think so. “Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”
The man backed away. “I don’t know, what do you think?”
Guilt briefly tugged at her conscience. What would Joshua say? She had become easy with men. Her experience held true. How many times had her big brother rescued her when she was drunk, fighting off guys looking for a good time? Amanda longed for companionship because there was a constant emptiness in her heart. Alcohol helped. Another drink might help me to forget my brother is really gone. No, I can’t. I have to go.
Amanda crossed her arms. “It’s a good thing you’re not a mind reader. Where are you staying?”
“At the Wentworth Hotel.”
“I know where that is. I’ll hang out for a little while.”
Gregg snapped his fingers. “Hey, we can get a little bottle, kind of a nightcap. I saw a convenience store down the street.”
“Alright.” I can use some more toothpaste and extra clean underwear for the trip.
The restaurant was closing. Chris was checking out two patrons at the other end of the bar. Amanda gathered money and placed it on top of the bill. Gregg did the same.
Scooting off the bar stool, Amanda reached for her bag, but Gregg snatched it first. “Here, let me.”
“Thank you.”
Standing next him, the man wasn’t much taller than her 5’5” frame, but bulkier, like he worked out.
When they exited the restaurant, the wind had tapered off and what remained was cold, damp, air. The train station’s closed. This is my only option.
They strolled in silence for a half-a-block. When they arrived at the store, Gregg opened the door for her. “After you.”
“I just need to get a few things. Let’s meet at the registers?”
“Sure.”
As they parted to opposite aisles, Amanda paused and watched after Gregg. Her brother had passed away a few hours earlier, and here she was already planning to bed a stranger. Josh is gone. What am I doing? Staring at an empty aisle, she tapped the mobile phone inside her back pocket as she often did, anticipating a call from him.
Someone bumped into her. “Oh, pardon me,” Amanda replied, moving out of the way. Get a grip.
She picked up toothpaste, gum and a five-pack of white bikini undies. When she approached the only cashier, Gregg was already there with a bottle of bourbon and a six-pack of Coke.
He chuckled, “I like your choice of underwear.”
She couldn’t hide the package with all the other items she was holding. “Shut up,” she snorted.
They each paid for their purchases and left. Outside, Gregg paused. “I’ve never done this before.”
“Done what?”
He winked at her. “This.”
Amanda groaned. Was she actually considering sleeping with this man? This isn’t right. Tomorrow was a new beginning for her. Tonight would be the same old, same old. She was desperately seeking companionship and Gregg looked like he was in the same situation. What’s one night anyway?
He laughed, “We’re one-night stand virgins.”
Amanda grabbed his arm, looking at the passing pedestrians. “Oh my God! Not so loud. What are you doing?”
“Trying to calm my nerves.”
“Geez, that makes two of us.”
When they arrived at the hotel, Gregg held the door for Amanda. This was a newly renovated hotel. Formerly the Sheraton, it reopened a year ago as the Wentworth. Never having been inside, she examined the interior design; it smelled like a floral shop.
Rich cherry furniture graced the entrance. A glass table with thick, bronzed legs held a large vase full of fresh cut wild flowers and roses.
“This is gorgeous.”
“Yes, it is! Come with me.” Gregg guided her to the elevator doors. They traveled up to the seventh floor and walked to room 7102. He waved his key card over a slot, heard a click and pushed open the door.
Gregg flicked on the lights. As they moved through the short hallway, she observed a bathroom to the left and a closet directly across. Straight ahead and to the left again was a king-size bed with a beige comforter covered in brown and gold-striped pillows. A flat screen television sat on top of an oak dresser across from the bed. Farther along in the corner was a desk with a hanging lamp hovering over a closed laptop and a few stacks of papers shoved underneath it.
“Lovely,” Amanda put her bag on the floor and walked to the window. She peeled at the sheer drapes back, looking at cars and taxis below.
Gregg removed his suit jacket and tie, arranged the bottle of bourbon and soda on the dresser, and grabbed the ice bucket. “I’ll be right back.”
Amanda opened the closet, slid off her jacket and hung it up besides two neatly pressed business suits. She hauled the extra suitcase stand from inside the closet and put it up against the wall in the hallway, placing her duffel bag on top along with her purchases.
Amanda was getting her toothpaste and toothbrush when Gregg sauntered in.
“Make yourself comfortable,” he whispered, sliding past her, their bodies touching briefly.
Tiny, prickly goosebumps broke out on her arms. Shaking it off, she asked. “May I take a shower?”
“Of course. I’ll make us a couple of drinks.”
“Thanks.”
Amanda grabbed her toiletries and entered the bathroom, placing them on the counter. Gregg had a razor, shaving cream, deodorant and cologne occupying the space. Amanda moved them aside, but not before picking up his cologne and smelling it—hints of citrus and baby powder. A shiver ran down her spine. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her face looked pale in the bright lights and taking down her hair, it limply hugged her neckline.
She removed her clothing and got in the tub. She lathered up with the hotel’s liquid soap and shampoo. It feels great to wash away the image of my brother’s dead body.
The room was steamed up, so she wiped the mirror with a washcloth. She ran a comb through her wet hair and applied lotion all over her body. Putting on undergarments, Amanda slid into a white, fluffy robe that hung behind the door.
Gregg was lying on the bed, sipping his drink and watching a basketball game.
“Your drink is on the dresser.”
“Great. Thank you.”
“Relax, I’m going to change. Turn the channel if you like,” Gregg said while removing his wedding ring.
The ring is off now.
Sitting at the edge of the bed with drink in hand, Amanda retied the belt around her robe. A nervous reflex I guess. Idly flipping through channels, she paused long enough to take a few sips of bourbon, feeling the burn coating her throat. Better.
A few minutes later, Gregg emerged wearing black boxer shorts and a white tank-top. He hopped on the bed and pushed the comforter away from their feet.
“Snuggle up to me,” he said, smoothing the sheets.
Amanda hesitated. What am I doing here? Taking a long drink, she placed the half-empty glass on the dresser and joined Gregg.
“Comfortable?”
“Yes.”
Gregg stroked her arms. “You are really gorgeous.”
Amanda’s face reddened, feeling the moment; she tried to give herself permission to relax. They kissed, gentle and awkward at first, and then fast and desperate, a desperation of two different longings. I think can do this. I’m being cared for, right?
He peeled open her robe, kissing her neck and caressing her breasts through her bra. Amanda pressed against his chest, noticing a small tattoo; a green rattlesnake encircled his right pec. She ran her fingers across it, having seen a similar tattoo before.
“You like it?” He peeled off his undershirt.
“Yeah, I do.”
“I got it in the Marines. Several buddies and I have the same tattoo. We also purchased these silly pendant necklaces. I don’t even wear the damn chain; it’s supposed to be a sign of brotherhood.”
Amanda pushed away from him. “Where were you?”
“Shit, I’ve been all over the damn Middle East. Spent time in Germany too. I got this ‘tat’, about five years ago. Why do you ask?”
“My brother had been in Germany a few times. He had a similar tattoo.”
Gregg inched closer. “You’re kidding? What’s his name?”
“Joshua … Josh … Lenger.” Saying his name made Amanda tremble. This is wrong. I have to stop now.
“I think I remember him, tall guy, wavy hair, very health conscience.”
Amanda nodded.
“You’re his sister? What a small world! Where is he now?”
There was no denying the realization; Joshua was dead. Amanda placed her hands over her face.
Gregg reached over, “What’s wrong?” She backed away. He shifted, giving her space.
Amanda composed herself. “Gregg, I’m sorry.” She closed her robe and got off the bed. “I can’t do this. I have to go.”
“Wait, did I do something wrong?”
She went to her bag, looking for clothing. “I really need to go.” I’m so stupid!
Gregg grabbed her shoulders and spun her around. “What just happened? Whatever I did, I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”
She lifted her head and met his eyes. “My brother died today. He was at the Veterans Administration Hospital.”
“Oh my God! Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
Amanda put her head down and whispered, “What am I supposed to say to a stranger at a bar? I’m leaving town tomorrow because my brother made me promise to find our mother in Iowa to tell her he’s dead.”
Gregg moved a strand of hair from her face. “What did he die from?”
Still in shock, denial, or stupidity, she couldn’t decide, she uttered, “Leukemia.”
“I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave.”
Amanda looked up. “He was my only family. I’m all alone now.”
He embraced her. “Not tonight, you’re not alone.”
Weary from her sudden loss, Amanda dropped her clothes on the floor and fell into the man’s arms. He carried her to the bed, all expectations gone, and held her under the covers as she cried until she couldn’t anymore.
To be continued…
Copyright © Chiara Talluto